Day Two: Retrograde

Once i finally got to see her, she was worse than last time.

This morning i called the hospital right when i woke up. The nurse was obvious-verbally irritated with me and wanted to know why i was calling her she just got done talking to me but i just woke up. I won’t go on about that as i already put it in my last post.

I went to the hospital about 0820 and one of the nurses that was really good with her last time came out, we’ll call him Michael. He talked to me about how she’s been. Looked at her pill box i brought to show she may have taken too many pills Saturday. He looked them all up and said he was going to research that later.

He advised that it might not be such a good idea to see her, and due to his kindness to her last time i agreed to wait. I did not leave the hospital, and after about an hour i called to let them know i was out there if the doctor came in and wanted to talk to me. A couple minutes later they came and said the doctor wanted to talk to me.

It was actually his p.a. but she was really nice and sat there and talked to me a good forty minutes. She was very interested in all aspects of carizma’s mental past. I tried to remember all the information that is important. She is leaning toward withdrawals from the geodon being stopped cold turkey.

Then she asked if i was ready to see her and i told her what that nurse said and she said it would fine but if i want she could go double check with the doctor. I said okay.

She was gone a couple minutes and the door opened and they were trying to get her to come in to the room. She was fighting them, i stood up and walked towards her telling her it was me. I saw no recognition in her eyes. She started batting at me too and told us to get away from her. They let her walk out and followed her.

Then a different male nurse came in and said he’d take me out. I was crying and said she didn’t even know me. He replied, “she recognized you, she just didn’t want to see you”.

That was kind of rude, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him elsewhere in the hospital with Tim’s sister, he was her nurse, and he wasn’t a jackass then. In fact, he was her favourite. 🤷‍♀️

I’ve been home on my bed ever since. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t feel like eating, i don’t have the energy to workout, even though carizma would want me to get off my ass and get it done. I can’t get to sleep all the way, kinda like sleeping with one eye opened.

I called the hospital and they’re not letting her have any more visitors today. She’s too agitated and not reacted well to all her visitors today. She’s not sleeping or eating and she’s talking a hundred miles an hour. She is on one to one, requiring someone with her at all times.

This is so much worse than last time. I have to go to work in the morning, then i can go see her. I feel doom running through my blood and it won’t go away.

angel, me, carizma, saraia.

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