A String of Negative Occurrences

You know what? This morning is not going the way I anticipated. The headache is minimal at least but the day is just not going very smoothly.

I ran out of one of my colognes for my Sil Cocktail. Then my filling fell out of my tooth, so that was wonderful.. A big juicy one and then a tiny one, or it was another piece of it. I’m not sure, but it was pretty round so I don’t know.

I forgot to take my iron which i planned to start for a week, as my palpitations are becoming more and more prevalent and my exhaustion grows. My hair is literally falling out so i also planned to start the biotin back up, but i forgot that too.

And before you start blaming my supplements for all my recent issues, i have not been taking them for a couple months now. Maybe even three or four, it’s been a while. So if anything, it’s the lack thereof.

Then I locked myself out of my room this morning, so I could not get the opener to go out the garage. I had to go through the front door thus I had to fight the cats to get out. Thankfully, Saraia volunteered to help me with that.

I got here this morning and the drawer is short, oh well. At least that’s not my fault, he prolly over dropped. Then I’m rotating the coffee and the coffee grounds go everywhere so I had to clean a giant coffee ground mess.

I know there has to be a way for me to control my feelings, in all these things that keep happening that are not going the way I want them to go. My biggest thing I think is that I’m just not happy and I don’t know why. Because I’m about to turn 40?

I don’t necessarily think it’s because I’m turning 40, but maybe because I’m turning 40 AND I really have nothing to show for it. I’m a lowly desk clerk making barely over mininum wage.

I know I hate my job, I really do and it’s not the employees, they’re all pretty amazing. It’s the guests, the people we have deal with yelling at us. Slow to nonexistent wifi, no shampoo, constantly changing rates, etc.

All the ridiculous things corporate implements specifically to make guests upset with us so they give us crappy scores, justifying our low pay. I’ve been back for over five years and I’m still not even making what I was when I left six years ago as a head housekeeper.

That’s ridiculous, I am making like 10 or 20 cents more than then people who are just starting off here. I know it’s time for me to move on. I’m worth a lot more than that. I do my job well, that’s how i have time to sit here and type this.

So between my job, not exercising when I’m supposed to, being a shitty mother, a shitty daughter and probably a shitty girlfriend, i feel devastated… I just need to teach myself not to care.

Also, my weight goal has been and ir currently 133 pounds and 9% bodyfat… I’ve been sober for 229 days and I’m still stuck at 140-141 pounds. Last time i only made it 120 days and I got down to 128. What’s up with that?🤷‍♀️

It’s because I’m eating pastries, chips and even pop sometimes. I’m not drinking my protein shakes twice a-day and not exercising even once most the time, i am such a lazy bitch, really. If you look at it without fogged glasses.

And you know? I thought my biggest issue was Matilda but I don’t think so. I think I just used her as a scapegoat because she’s a bully and she was an easy person to blame for everything. but everything wasn’t her fault or i wouldn’t feel this way.

Some of it was, she didn’t have to be a bully, she didn’t have to be mean and vile and work hard to make us feel like shit. But even so, everything was not her fault.

If I got paid my worth I probably would be happy here. I mean, I really have a pretty cush job, I do. And I should for getting paid minimum wage. But as long as I have my work done; I can keep an eye on my house, work on Christmas cards or poems or whatever I want to do, like this.

That piece is a plus for this job. But getting paid just a few cents more per hour than the people just starting, that isn’t fair. I may appear like i don’t work very hard but that’s only because i bust my ass to get my responsibilities done so i CAN sit and do nothing. And i don’t get paid to work any harder.

I also think I’m a little traumatized from a few instances that have happened here, one person in particular, his name was Sean. He kept coming in here and terrorizing me, he was bat shit crazy. One of my friends found out and took care of him, but you know there’s still that little bit of fear in me that he could walk in that door at any time.

Thinking about him, even now, makes me panic. I don’t believe I hae ever been more terrified of a single person ever in my life, than this guy. It’s been a couple years since that happened, i don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.

I’ve had to call the police on a few crazies over the years, Sean just takes the cake. There was also Michael, who tried to bash the window in with a chair. And that crazy guy who was screaming outside about allot of blood and stuff.

And there’s other crazy people anything can happen, especially here where we aren’t allowed to lock doors because guests might feel unsafe. What about me? Being an extremely anxious person, i already know this job is exactly not my cup of tea.

There’s just so many things going on in my head that I’m gonna get through it today. I’m going choose not care. I just don’t care if the coffee wants to dump everywhere, or guests want to yell at me because their mommy didn’t pay for their room yet or whatever, bring it.

I should be a happy person, I have a roof over my head, I have kids that I think love me, I have a boyfriend who adores me, i have a job, we’re free (semi) here in this country. All in all, I really have no business to be depressed in any way shape or form.

I can make it my business to stop it I know I can learn. I must teach myself to be happy with what I have and with whatever life throws at me because it’s probably not going to get easier.

[Suck it up buttercup]! I know that that sitting around feeling sorry for myself and hiding in the back office crying is not helping me or anyone else.