Beauty is Fire


Morning Beauty

A String of Negative Occurrences

You know what? This morning is not going the way I anticipated. The headache is minimal, at least, but the day is just not going very smoothly.

I ran out of one of my colognes for my Liv-Cocktail. Then my filling fell out of my tooth, so that was wonderful. A big juicy one and then a tiny one, or it was another piece of it. I’m not sure, but it was pretty round, so I don’t know.

I forgot to take my iron which I planned to start for a week, as my palpitations are becoming more and more prevalent and my exhaustion grows. My hair is falling out, so I also planned to start the biotin back up, but I forgot that, too.

And before you start blaming my supplements for all my recent issues, I have not been taking them for a couple of months now. Maybe even three or four; it’s been a while. So if anything, it’s the lack thereof.

Then I locked myself out of my room this morning, so I could not get the opener to go out of the garage. I had to go through the front door; thus, I had to fight the cats to get out. Thankfully, Lera volunteered to help me with that.

I got here this morning, and the drawer is short, oh well. At least that’s not my fault; night-audit likely over dropped. Then I’m rotating the coffee, and the coffee grounds go everywhere, so I had to clean a giant coffee ground mess.

I know there has to be a way for me to control my feelings in all these things that keep happening that are not going the way I want them to go. My biggest thing, I think, is that I’m just not happy, and I don’t know why. Because I’m about to turn 40?

I don’t necessarily think it’s because I’m turning 40, but maybe because I’m turning 40, AND I have nothing to show for it. I’m a lowly desk clerk making barely over minimum wage.

I know I hate my job, I do, and it’s not the employees; they’re all pretty amazing. It’s the guests, the people we have deal with yelling at us. Slow to nonexistent wifi, no shampoo, constantly changing rates, etc.

All the ridiculous things corporate implements specifically to make guests upset with us, so they give us crappy scores, justifying our low pay. I’ve been back for over five years, and I’m still not even making what I was when I left six years ago as a head housekeeper.

That’s ridiculous; I am making like 10 or 20 cents more than those who are just starting here. I know it’s time for me to move on. I’m worth a lot more than that. I do my job well; that’s how I have time to sit here and type this.

So between my job, not exercising when I’m supposed to, being a shitty mother, a shitty daughter, and probably a shitty girlfriend, I feel devastated.  I need to teach myself not to care.

My weight goal has been and is currently 133 pounds and 9% bodyfat.  I’ve been sober for 229 days, and I’m still stuck at 140-141 pounds. Last time I only made it 120 days, and I got down to  128. What’s up with that?

It’s because I’m eating pastries, chips and even pop sometimes. I’m not drinking my protein shakes twice-a-day and not exercising even once most of the time; I am such a lazy bitch. If you look at it without fogged glasses.

And you know? I thought my biggest issue was Matilda, but I don’t think so. I guess I just used her as a scapegoat because she’s a bully, and she was an easy person to blame for everything. But everything wasn’t her fault, or I wouldn’t feel this way.

Some of it was, she didn’t have to be a bully; she didn’t have to be mean and vile and work hard to make us feel like shit. But even so, everything was not her fault.

If I got paid my worth, I probably would be happy here. I mean, I have a pretty cush job, I do. And I should for getting paid minimum wage. But as long as I have my work done, I can keep an eye on my house, work on Christmas cards or poems or whatever I want to do, like this.

That piece is a plus for this job. But getting paid just a few cents more per hour than the people just starting isn’t fair. I may appear like I don’t work very hard, but that’s only because I bust my ass to get my responsibilities done, so I CAN sit and do nothing. And I don’t get paid to work any harder.

I also think I’m a little traumatized from a few instances that have happened here; one person, in particular, his name was Sean. He kept coming in here and terrorizing me; he was bat shit crazy. One of my friends found out and took care of him, but you know there’s still that little bit of fear in me that he could walk in that door at any time.

Thinking about him, even now, makes me panic. I don’t believe I have ever been more terrified of a single person in my life than this guy. It’s been a couple of years since that happened; I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.

I’ve had to call the police on a few crazies over the years, and Sean takes the cake. There was also Michael, who tried to bash the window in with a chair. And that crazy guy who was screaming outside about a lot of blood and stuff.

And there are other crazy people; anything can happen, especially here where we aren’t allowed to lock doors because guests might feel unsafe. What about me? Being an extremely anxious person, I already know this job is precisely not my cup of tea.

There are just so many things going on in my head that I’m going to get through it today. I’m going to choose not to care. I don’t care if the coffee wants to dump everywhere, or guests want to yell at me because their mommy didn’t pay for their room yet or whatever, bring it.

I should be a happy person; I have a roof over my head, I have kids that I think love me, I have a boyfriend who adores me, I have a job, we’re free (semi) here in this country. All in all, I have no business to be depressed in any way, shape, or form.

I can make it my business to stop it. I know I can learn. I must teach myself to be happy with what I have and with whatever life throws at me because it’s probably not going to get easier.

[Suck it up, buttercup]! I know that that sitting around feeling sorry for myself and hiding in the back office crying is not helping me or anyone else.


A Hoppy and a Waterloo

Last night I had a strange dream.

I dreamt that I was sitting on my bed, I looked out the window, and some lady was sitting on the porch. I asked TJ if he knew why there was someone over there, and he said he did not know.

For whatever reason, I was able to move a lot faster than he. I got up and ran out the back door. As the garage door was opening, I remember thinking, “I don’t know how I’m even going to deal with this lady because I don’t deal well with confrontation.” That’s not my cup of tea.

As the garage door opens, I’m getting angrier and angrier about the fact that she’s over there where she doesn’t belong. I see her open the door and walk in as I duck under before it can even finish opening.

I start running out of the garage, yelling at her, “what the fuck do you think you’re doing? Get out of there!” I couldn’t believe she just walked right in! She wasn’t even acknowledging me. And Hurricane isn’t barking.

My adrenaline has kicked in at this point because I have every intention of beating her ass. (Keep in mind that I have never been in a fight in my life!) Adrenaline does powerful things to one’s body.

As I’m screaming, running at her, she runs out of the house. She’s flailing about, being the standard tweaker-zombie we all know and loathe.

I realize now that she would not have been able to get away from me if this happened. I would have gotten there faster than she could have gotten out of the gate and around the fence. But it was a dream, and dreams can be off the wall in the middle of reality.

As she came running out, another lady came running out of Dane’s house, next door. Then on the other side of him is Luthers’ house and somebody came running out of his as well.

They all started running down the street towards MckAndys; I don’t know why I didn’t chase them. I don’t know if they were carrying anything. I don’t know where TJ and the neighbours were. All of a sudden, Matilda was there!

She was crying, and she told me that she was trying to help that lady and I’m thinking the one that I had just chased from the house. She said she had found her a bed for the night in a safe place or whatever.

She said she was mean to her and didn’t appreciate it or care or want her help. She was crying like she was heartbroken, and then she hugged me.

That is when I woke up, weirdly, that I would dream that in the first place. Secondly, to have Matilda in it, and crying nonetheless: and having feelings! Like, the world must have fallen on its head!

My thought on the whole thing as far as Matilda. I think either she found God or she crumped, which most people believe she encountered God. I don’t know why else I would dream about her.

As far as the people being where they don’t belong, I believe that has to do with the anger I still have over this psycho old lady that used to karaoke.

On Thanksgiving this, 65 to 70-year-old bag was wandering by, and she looked around and then opened our mailbox. WTF.

I started to get up, and TJ beat me to the door and poked his head out, and said, “there’s nothing in there for you.”. She replied, “oh, I use to live here.”

Bull, you psycho drunk, he’s lived in his house for over twenty years. Her little 35-year-old husband didn’t find enough cans the day before, I guess. It doesn’t give her the right to open people’s mailboxes.

The police are at their house often about 3 or 4 am for fighting. I hear it on the scanner. And I don’t care; they choose that life, they can have it. But don’t come stealing from my neighbours and me because you’re lazy drunks.

Then, we’ve also got this little tweaker Mexican guy that keeps stealing shit out of people’s yards and even garages, including mine. He’s probably also the one that stole my yard lights, and I WILL get him this summer.  I have plans for him.

Anyway, so as far as people taking things that do not belong to them, those two people are most likely the culprit to this dream, I reckon. The Matilda part? I guess we’ll see what we’ll see, won’t we?

So anyway, I just thought I would share that odd dream with you because it’s just so weird.


Caught Red Handed

The cats have been getting out when it’s not possible,,, here’s why🤣

Conjecture Day Five

The answer to yesterday’s is celery:)

Give it a guess:)

Conjecture Day Four

Best guess wins a smiley face emoji.

Conjecture Day Three

The answer to day 2.5 is…the front grate of a personal heater. 😁