You know what? This morning is not going the way I anticipated. The headache is minimal, at least, but the day is just not going very smoothly.

I ran out of one of my colognes for my Liv-Cocktail. Then my filling fell out of my tooth, so that was wonderful. A big juicy one and then a tiny one, or it was another piece of it. I’m not sure, but it was pretty round, so I don’t know.

I forgot to take my iron which I planned to start for a week, as my palpitations are becoming more and more prevalent and my exhaustion grows. My hair is falling out, so I also planned to start the biotin back up, but I forgot that, too.

And before you start blaming my supplements for all my recent issues, I have not been taking them for a couple of months now. Maybe even three or four; it’s been a while. So if anything, it’s the lack thereof.

Then I locked myself out of my room this morning, so I could not get the opener to go out of the garage. I had to go through the front door; thus, I had to fight the cats to get out. Thankfully, Lera volunteered to help me with that.

I got here this morning, and the drawer is short, oh well. At least that’s not my fault; night-audit likely over dropped. Then I’m rotating the coffee, and the coffee grounds go everywhere, so I had to clean a giant coffee ground mess.

I know there has to be a way for me to control my feelings in all these things that keep happening that are not going the way I want them to go. My biggest thing, I think, is that I’m just not happy, and I don’t know why. Because I’m about to turn 40?

I don’t necessarily think it’s because I’m turning 40, but maybe because I’m turning 40, AND I have nothing to show for it. I’m a lowly desk clerk making barely over minimum wage.

I know I hate my job, I do, and it’s not the employees; they’re all pretty amazing. It’s the guests, the people we have deal with yelling at us. Slow to nonexistent wifi, no shampoo, constantly changing rates, etc.

All the ridiculous things corporate implements specifically to make guests upset with us, so they give us crappy scores, justifying our low pay. I’ve been back for over five years, and I’m still not even making what I was when I left six years ago as a head housekeeper.

That’s ridiculous; I am making like 10 or 20 cents more than those who are just starting here. I know it’s time for me to move on. I’m worth a lot more than that. I do my job well; that’s how I have time to sit here and type this.

So between my job, not exercising when I’m supposed to, being a shitty mother, a shitty daughter, and probably a shitty girlfriend, I feel devastated.  I need to teach myself not to care.

My weight goal has been and is currently 133 pounds and 9% bodyfat.  I’ve been sober for 229 days, and I’m still stuck at 140-141 pounds. Last time I only made it 120 days, and I got down to  128. What’s up with that?

It’s because I’m eating pastries, chips and even pop sometimes. I’m not drinking my protein shakes twice-a-day and not exercising even once most of the time; I am such a lazy bitch. If you look at it without fogged glasses.

And you know? I thought my biggest issue was Matilda, but I don’t think so. I guess I just used her as a scapegoat because she’s a bully, and she was an easy person to blame for everything. But everything wasn’t her fault, or I wouldn’t feel this way.

Some of it was, she didn’t have to be a bully; she didn’t have to be mean and vile and work hard to make us feel like shit. But even so, everything was not her fault.

If I got paid my worth, I probably would be happy here. I mean, I have a pretty cush job, I do. And I should for getting paid minimum wage. But as long as I have my work done, I can keep an eye on my house, work on Christmas cards or poems or whatever I want to do, like this.

That piece is a plus for this job. But getting paid just a few cents more per hour than the people just starting isn’t fair. I may appear like I don’t work very hard, but that’s only because I bust my ass to get my responsibilities done, so I CAN sit and do nothing. And I don’t get paid to work any harder.

I also think I’m a little traumatized from a few instances that have happened here; one person, in particular, his name was Sean. He kept coming in here and terrorizing me; he was bat shit crazy. One of my friends found out and took care of him, but you know there’s still that little bit of fear in me that he could walk in that door at any time.

Thinking about him, even now, makes me panic. I don’t believe I have ever been more terrified of a single person in my life than this guy. It’s been a couple of years since that happened; I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.

I’ve had to call the police on a few crazies over the years, and Sean takes the cake. There was also Michael, who tried to bash the window in with a chair. And that crazy guy who was screaming outside about a lot of blood and stuff.

And there are other crazy people; anything can happen, especially here where we aren’t allowed to lock doors because guests might feel unsafe. What about me? Being an extremely anxious person, I already know this job is precisely not my cup of tea.

There are just so many things going on in my head that I’m going to get through it today. I’m going to choose not to care. I don’t care if the coffee wants to dump everywhere, or guests want to yell at me because their mommy didn’t pay for their room yet or whatever, bring it.

I should be a happy person; I have a roof over my head, I have kids that I think love me, I have a boyfriend who adores me, I have a job, we’re free (semi) here in this country. All in all, I have no business to be depressed in any way, shape, or form.

I can make it my business to stop it. I know I can learn. I must teach myself to be happy with what I have and with whatever life throws at me because it’s probably not going to get easier.

[Suck it up, buttercup]! I know that that sitting around feeling sorry for myself and hiding in the back office crying is not helping me or anyone else.

-Olive